Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
