Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
