sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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