We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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