Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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