The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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