At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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