Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I did not marry a roomba.
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