is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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