I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
