Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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