pop tarts are not kleenex
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
