the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
