i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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