I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So vagazzling was a success
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
