So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
