just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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