I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
