just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
