Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
