who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
