you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
