Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
