I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
