I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
