I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
