apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
