The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Houston, we have a blender
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
