id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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