I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
