Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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