i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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