two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
