He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
