I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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