I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
