I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
