I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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