Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
