oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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