You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
