at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
