I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
