ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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