Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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