Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
