when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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