My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
