Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Rumble strips road head = magical
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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