Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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