I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
