If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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